Own Worst Critic

I’ve been a bit MIA lately, and I feel like I’m a broken record saying that, but to be real honest here I’ve been my own worst critic as of late. At the end of November I slipped down two steps and broke my toe having to miss two back to back races a 4 mile and 10k. I was beyond bummed having to miss them and cursing myself the same time for being so clutzy (word of advice be really careful walking down wooden stairs wearing cozy socks)!

Once my toe healed I started training again for an April half marathon. However, having two young kids during winter means that you’re going to get sick… a lot! My butt kept getting kicked by colds and even the stomach flu! Then surprisingly on the last mile of a fantastic long run I started getting bad chest pain as in I couldn’t breathe without pain. I ended up seeing the doctor, because that had never happened to me before while running. I ended up having an EKG and an ECHO. 10 years ago I had been diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse which can cause palpitations and chest pain from time to time. We thought that the prolapse could be getting worse. Between my ECHO appointment and finding out the results I was on a “no exercise allowed” regime. During those couple weeks I just got more and more bummed trying to imagine my life if I was given a noΒ cardio diagnosis. Results time came and to my surprise my heart is SUPER healthy and I don’t even have mitral valve prolapse! Either I was misdiagnosed 10 years ago and living my life believing every bit of chest pain or palpitation was caused by that, or somehow my heart was magically healed! Either way it was a shock. I have defined myself the past 10 years with that defect, and now I don’t have it. I do have bouts of anxiety and depression so the doctor believes what I experienced may have been one scary panic attack. Wow, I’m feeling like being super honest today!

Since I was given the clear I went full force into training for the half. I have been running 3-8 miles regularly, getting my butt kicked at Orange Theory, taking yoga classes, and eating fairly clean. I have noticed myself getting stronger, and even my runs have been faster (one of my miles last week was 6:50 pace which was totally surprising since at the time it didn’t feel like I was going that fast and I’ve never ever done that before or believed I could even run that fast)! Despite all of my success with my workouts and runs I have still been beating myself up. Can you guess why? Because the scale hasn’t moved. I weigh about 16 pounds more than I did before having my 2nd kid, and he just turned 2. I’ve been a bit frustrated with myself that I haven’t been able to shake that weight, and when I’m kind to myself I like to think that it’s all muscle weight πŸ˜‰ The weight thing isn’t meant to be vain, but rather I want to be strong, I want to fit into my old pants, and I want to feel comfortable in my own body (which can be hard to do when you wear a 32G bra-reduction please)! Seriously have I been given a truth serum or something? I guess I have the stomach flu of writing because I’m just vomiting words everywhere!

Anyway, where I’m at is this: It’s Saturday and next Sunday is my (2nd) half marathon. I am so scared to run it. I have a big fear that I can’t do it. With all of these issues that have happened since the end of November I feel like at this point I’m just looking for excuses as to why I can’t run it. I need my ballsy confidence back. I need to stop being my own worst critic.

How do I gain that confidence? How do I defeat my prerace jitters?

 

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