The past few days I’ve felt a change of season both literally and figuratively. Right now in the Chicago area all blossoms have full out bloomed, the air feels softer, and the sun feels bright, cheerful, and warm on my skin. I feel spring, literally all around us and it is glorious. In the figurative way I feel a sort of “spring” season in my own life, a sort of renewal.
It reminds me of when I turned 20, which was the “end” of my teen years, and honestly it didn’t feel like my teen years were over until my high school boyfriend and I ended our relationship (for good). At that point I felt like I was no longer a teen. When I turned 25, got married, got pregnant and bought a house I still didn’t feel like a “grown up.” I wasn’t that teen but with all of my hard work in all my school years I felt like I hadn’t lived that young adult life of concerts and nights out with friends. I realized how “serious” my life had been and I was missing a life I didn’t have. Once I gave birth to my daughter at the age of 27 that all sort of changed. I felt much more like the adult I was even though I still get shocked faces when people realized I have a child (apparently I must look young because a lot of strangers think I’m not even old enough to be married! In fact just last month when I was buying a record for David, the guy who worked at the record store I was buying it from asked me about my Van Morrison purchase and I mentioned it was a gift and so he asked, “Oh, so for your boyfriend?”).
Anyway! After having Zooey and especially after having Leo at the age of 29 I felt at peace about not having lived a more adventurous and wild young adulthood. Don’t get me wrong I definitely had my stupid young adult moments but they were usually more random or not lived too long. But after having my kids it became really obvious that I wanted to truly start designing the life that I wanted for them (like living in a safe neighborhood with good schools) and also designing a non-toxic life for me.
So the past two years I have made some slow yet progressive changes, such as moving to our current house (an area that doesn’t have shootings/drug dealings/ within a 1 mile radius and bodies being dumped within a few blocks of our house and the public schools appear to be gang free), attending church again, fine tuning my friendships to the ones who not only uplift my spirit but make me feel like being a better person, talking to professionals about anxieties/issues I have, refocusing on running and yoga, etc. Even though some of it may have been small changes, over time they have grown into a more mature outlook on life.
Now at the age of 31 (and a 1/2), not exactly a monumental time or age, I have started feeling a new season of my life coming on. At the moment I’m not sure exactly how to define it. During spring sometimes a new plant starts randomly growing in your yard and you’re excited and curious to see what it is but know that you’ll just need to wait until it fully blooms to find out, and that is how I feel. I feel that this stage in my life is like a random plant starting to come out of the ground and slowly blooming to show it’s full beauty.
Part of me feels a little sad about this season, and I think that may be because I feel like I’m saying goodbye to that 20-something Katie who was just waiting to figure out where life was taking her, and is being taken over by this 30-something Katie who is designing the life she wants rather than seeing where it takes her. Obviously not everything is within our control, but purposefully moving forward in the right direction is better than leaving it to chance.
So let’s see where spring takes me!
What season do you think you’re in?